someone to pour myself into
by ifonly13
Summary: Even as the sun starts to set, painting long shadows of the surrounding trees across the row of polished shoes, she refuses to move, to leave him alone.


"_How we need that security. How we need another soul to cling to, another body to keep us warm. To rest and trust; to give your soul into confidence: I need this. I need someone to pour myself into." -Sylvia Plath_

* * *

They linger longer than any of the other mourners. The sea of blue long since trickled away. His family left twenty minutes ago, thanking them all as they got into one of the black cars parked along the narrow roadway.

Even as the sun starts to set, painting long shadows of the surrounding trees across the row of polished shoes, she refuses to move, to leave him alone.

She did that once and the guilt hangs heavy around her neck. That maybe if she had fought harder, run back into the hangar, she wouldn't have to be standing at this gravesite right now.

Kate tips her head back when tears start to press against her eyes and Castle catches her cover as it tumbles toward the ground. He touches his fingertips to her elbow, gentle and tentative, before he nods toward the last car.

"Come on, guys," he says quietly. "Let's get a drink."

Ryan and Esposito lead the way across the grass, the blades tamped down from all of the feet walking over them today. She moves slowly, glancing over her shoulder at the astroturf surrounding the hole in the ground, the podium, the rows and rows of empty chairs but he stays at her side, her cover tucked under his arm.

When he parallel parks a block from the Old Haunt, she gets out onto the sidewalk first, the buttons of her dress blue jacket already undone. The front lays funny when she places it back on the seat, stiff with the ribbons of commendation and starch. The boys shed their jackets as Castle goes down the steps to unlock the front door, waiting until they join him just inside the building.

"Beer or something else?" he asks, moving to the bar.

"Beer's fine," Esposito responds for the group already sitting in a booth.

Castle brings the glasses over in two runs, sliding one of the last ones in front of Kate with a quick smile.

Ryan breaks the silence in the dark bar with a choked laugh.

It shatters the too-careful mood as he shares a story of how Montgomery had once convinced them all that they were getting awards for some open-and-shut case only to have them show up in their dress uniforms for a day of traffic duty near Times Square in July.

The boys leave after they finish off their beers; Ryan needs to see Jenny and Esposito makes some excuse about going to find Lanie. She watches as Castle follows them to the exit and locks the door behind them, her fingers curled loosely around the still-full pint in front of her.

"Here," he says a moment before a blanket of warmth drops over her shoulders, the sharp tang of his cologne puffing up from his suit jacket. He edges in front of her, awkward with the table in the way, to pull the front of the jacket closer together. "You've been shivering all night."

He moves to gather up the empty glasses, napkins stuffed into the cups and smearing the foam rings from the beer down along the sides.

Kate catches his elbow as he passes her, catching one of the glasses as it starts to tumble from his grip. He looks concerned when she glances up at him. She lets her gaze travel for a moment before returning to his face. "Thank you," she whispers.

"Anytime, Beckett. Really," he replies but her hand tightens on his forearm, keeping him from leaving.

"I don't just mean for this." She stops, forces herself to steady her breathing as she hunches into his jacket for a moment. "For the hangar." His own breathing falters and she plows on. "For getting me out of there. It was the right thing to do and there'd probably be another funeral to go to soon if you had listened to me. If you had let me stay."

Castle places all of their glasses on a nearby table, sliding back into the booth across from her. "Kate, you don't have to…"

"I wouldn't pay attention to you," she murmurs, her head already tipping into her hands, her palms pressing hard against her eyes. "I should have listened to you in my apartment but this case spins me around, Castle. It messes me up and I don't think clearly. And it isn't fair to make you think for me anymore."

"I don't mind," he insists.

"But I do." She gets up, shaking her head as she moves to hand him back his jacket.

"Keep it. I'll see you tomorrow, right?"

Kate sighs and nods once. "Yeah. Tomorrow."

* * *

A week later, she finds Josh on his break at the hospital, Castle's jacket looped over her arm.

He acts like he saw this coming a long time ago as he touches his lips to her cheek. "Hope he makes you happy," he whispers.

Ten minutes into the walk, the skies open up. She slips in the lobby, her flats sliding across the tile floor until she manages to catch herself on the elevator door. The air conditioning sends goosebumps up her arms, making her hand shake as she knocks on his door quietly.

"Beckett, what're you…?"

"Brought your jacket back," she says, holding the soaked suit piece out to him. "Didn't keep me warm on the walk over."

He takes it, stepping away from the rapidly developing puddle. "But why are you here?" he asks. "Not that I mind. I like when you show up unannounced but we closed the case today and I thought you had plans or something."

"Done." She takes a deep breath. "I broke up with Josh. I'm done hiding in relationships with men I don't really love."

"Uh, okay. Good."

"So," she says, pushing back a tangled strand of her hair. "Want to warm me up?"


End file.
